Good Things Come in Threes
by VnixxiR
Summary: FFXIII/Mass Effect 2/Dragon Age II crossover madness.  -Warning: Spoilers, occasional OOC and general ridonkulousness-
1. The Leader

**A/N:**

Firstly, I remember someplace, somewhere in the guidelines it stated that script-format things were not permitted to be uploaded.  
>I also remember seeing many of said formats floating around here. SO... yeah. I'm breaking the rules. What can I say? I'm a rebel.<p>

Secondly, this is in no way shape or form meant to be taken seriously. I just had a random series of moments during work today that spawned this crazy set of ideas in my head. Also, unless you've played all three games (Final Fantasy XIII, Mass Effect and Dragon Age II) You may not fully appreciate the awkwardness—which is perfectly fine. Honestly, even if you have played all three, it'd probably still not make any sense whatsoever. BUT ANYWAY. Let's begin.

Thirdly,**  
><strong>*****SPOILER WARNING***** (for _Dragon Age II, Mass Effect 2_ and _Final Fantasy XIII_)

* * *

><p><strong>The Leader<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Host: Welcome all to the first—and in all likeliness last—installment of <em>Good Things Come in Threes<em>. We have quite the lineup for you today. Let's not waste time and get on with meeting today's panel. Say hello panel.**

**Hawke: **Greetings!

**Shepard: **Hello

**Light:** Hi

:::

**Host: Now, going down the line would the three of you care to introduce yourselves a little? Go on, no need to be shy now.**

**Hawke: **Well I'm Aeryn Hawke—though everyone just calls me Hawke since technically I'm a player-character and all-

**Sherpard: **No way, me too! My first name is Aeryn as well!

**Host:** Okay let's try not to totally decimate the 4th wall.

**Light:** You're interviewing characters from three completely different universes and you're talking about not breaking walls?

**Host: **...okay good point. Please, continue.

**Hawke:** [clears throat] Again, Aeryn Hawke here, I'm a mage from Ferelden though I lived in Kirkwall for about a decade—became it's Champion—and am now sort of... drifting.

**Shepard:** I'm Commander Shepard-

Host: And this is my favorite store on the Citadel.

**Shepard:** …

**Host:** I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. _[motions for Shepard to continue]_

**Shepard: **I'm Commander of the Normandy and her crew. I was a spacer growing up, fought a few battles before being chose to be the first human SPECTRE. Oh and I've prevented the destruction of the galaxy. Twice.

**Hawke: **Showoff.

**Host:** Lightning? Would you care to say a few words?

**Lightning: **Lightning Farron, former Sergeant and l'Cie.

**Hawke: **What's a lussy?

**Shepard:** Is that a new alien?

**Lightning:** _[rolls her eyes]_

:::

**Host: Alright, alright let's just... move on to our first question: How do you feel about being the leader of your respective parties?**

**Hawke: ** Well I for one wouldn't necessarily call myself the leader-

**Shepard: **Oh come on! You're saying your friends didn't follow you from hell and back—and would probably do it again if you needed them to?

**Hawke: **...w-well ...I wouldn't ask them to-

**Shepard: **But would they?

**Hawke: **...It's possible-

**Shepard: **HAH, knew it.

**Host: **Light, you're a little quiet over there. No input?

**Lightning: **I'm trying to figure out—since I'm guessing these player-characters are a reflection of your personality—if you are really this vexatious. And why I'm putting up with it.

**Host: **Hey! You're in my piece of fanfiction, missy. You don't leave until I write you out.

**Hawke: **Ooooh 'vexatious', I like it.

**Shepard: **It's harsh, yet so very... refined.

**Host: **You two are _NOT_ helping!

**Lightning: **_[sighs heavily]_

:::

**Host: Y'know what? Let's just move on, shall we? Next question: What, in your opinion, is the best thing about your party as a whole?**

**Shepard:** They're determined and completely loyal-

**Host: **_[whispers] _Yeah you only spent ages doing all of their loyalty quests-

**Shepard: **_[glares]_

**Host:** Sorry, sorry._ [motions for Shepard to continue]_

**Shepard: **I trust them all just as much to have my back when I need it.

**Hawke:** Oooh, that's a good answer! Me too! Only... Well I suppose there was that time when Isabela... and the time with Anders... And Carver I guess... that little basta-

**Host: **Positive, Hawke! Nice, good, positive things!

**Hawke: **What-? Oh, erm... Ooh! The banter between them while we're running about town!

**Host: **Ah, yes. The party banter. Sorry Shep, but Hawke's party got yours beat there.

**Shepard:** Yes but... they didn't have elevators.

**Host: **AND THANK GOD FOR THAT! _[clears throat]_ But, moving on before Lightning glares a hole through my face. Light? Best thing about your party?

**Lightning: **Let's see... there was no banter, and no elevators. Worked out just fine for me.

:::

**Host: Well alright then. Next question: What, in your opinion, is the worst thing about your party?**

**Shepard: **Walking through my line of fire. Seriously, they really gotta stop doing that...

**Hawke:** I KNOW RIGHT? Oh! Or when they use the most useless spells at the most inappropriate times!

**Shepard: **Yes! Or when they lag behind, too far from the battle to do much of anything!

**Hawke: **YES!

**Host: **Uh, actually that'd probably be my fault _[clears throat] _Y'know, forgetting to put the party members back on follow...

**Shepard/Hawke: **Noob...

**Host: **DON'T JUDGE ME! _[points at Shepard] _You! You've had two whole games and _STILL_ haven't ensured the safety of the galaxy! _[points at Hawke] _And you! _'Noob'_ is not even supposed to be part of your vocabulary! _[Looks over at Lightning expectantly]_

**Lightning: **Snow. Steelguard.

**Host: **...Yeah, s'why I never _EVER_ used Snow. Used him less than Hope. Vanille heals just fine, I say.

**Lightning: **Yeah, but at least when Hope heals, He doesn't sound quite so...

**Host: **Would you totally kill me if I said that was part of the reason why I used Vanille?

**Lightning: **…

**Host:** Stupid question _[backs away slowly]_

:::

**Host: SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS! Next one: Which of your party members did you work the best with? And why?**

**Hawke: **Varric, Merrill and Isabela. No question about it.

**Host:** And why was that?

**Hawke: **Oh come on! The sarcasm, naivete and endless innuendo? All while in the middle of fighting off a horde of darkspawn? What could be more fun than that?

**Host: **Not much, my dear mage, not much. Shepard? Light?

**Shepard: **Are we talking Normal difficulty? Or Insanity?

**Host: **Oh come on Shep-! Do you have to-! Ugh... [sighs heavily] either, or.

**Shepard: **Well, Garrus and his sniper rifle along with his overload were rather nifty-

**Hawke: **_[snickers] _sorry, that just sounded so... _[sigh] _I've been around Isabela too long.

**Shepard:** ...ooookay. Uh, Jack for her shockwave came in handy as well. Oh and Kasumi and her little teleport-omni-tool-bop-to-the-head things she does? Always fun. Mmm, Legion because he's made of win-

**Host:** Hang on, was that a reference to him as an actual character, or the fact that he's got part of your old chest-piece welded to him?

**Shepard: **Both.

**Host: **You're a little cocky ain't ya?

**Lightning: **Says the person who played as her.

**Host: **Hey! You still haven't answered the question!

**Lightning: **Fang and Vanille. They were the only two you grouped me with.

**Host:** What can I say? I'm not a big Hope fan. And admit it, Fang's power is second to none.

**Lightning: **Fang makes a good commando, I'll admit that.

**Host: **_[Snickers]_ I'll bet you will.

**Lightning:** _[glares] _What the hell is _that _supposed to mean?

**Host: **Nothing, nothing-hey, put that away. No weapons during Q&A time!

**Hawke:**_[snickers]_

**Shepard: **_[rolls her eyes at Hawke] _You are _such_ a perv.

:::

**Host: Okay last question: What qualities do you possess that you believe makes you a good leader?**

**Hawke: **Erm...

**Shepard: **Uh...

**Lightning:** _[scoffs]_

**Hawke/Shepard:** Hey!

**Shepard: **I command the best damn frigate—not to mention the most expensive—in the galaxy! I am the first human SPECTRE! I have the Shadow Broker in my back pocket!

**Host: **_[mumbles]_ That's not all you have her in...

**Shepard: **I'm Commander Shepard, damnit!

**Hawke: **And I, the Champion of Kirkwall! My rise to power fueled by the magic that runs through my veins! Behold! _[shoots Cone of Cold spell across the room] _

**Host: **Hey! Hey! Hey! No weapons means no spells either!

**Shepard:** Pfft, I see your giant ice cube and raise you- _[pulls out the M-76 Revenant LMG] _-this little baby.

**Hawke: **Y-Yeah well... _[Pulls out staff] _Well my staff has a blade on it!

**Host: **I know! _SO_ much cooler than the staves in the first game...

**Lightning:**_ [unsheathes and unfolds gunblade]_ ETRO WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?

**Hawke/Shepard/Host:** …

**Shepard: **Wait... she has a gun AND a sword? In one? _[Looks at Revenant then glares at Host] _Why don't _I_ have one of those?

**Lightning: **_[Channels thundaga spell]_

**Hawke: **AND magic? _[Glares at Host] _That's _SO _not fair!

**Host: **What do you expect _ME_ to do about it?

**Shepard:** Well I've got a SPACE HAMSTER! How 'bout _THAT_?

**Lightning: **_[Summons Odin]_

**Host:** ...

**Hawke: **...

**Shepard:** ...I should go

:::

* * *

><p><strong>AN 2:**

Somehow, somehwere, I just broke something...

Unless this story gets reported for being against ff(dot)net guidelines, unbearably insulting or just generally too ridonkulous to handle...  
>...the next installment will feature the 'Love Interests'<p> 


	2. The Love Interest

**The Love Interest**

* * *

><p><strong>Host: <strong>Alrighty then, welcome back to Good Things Come in Threes. After the not-so-negative response to the previous installment, we're here again with a different panel _[motions to panel]_.

**Isabela: **Well hello

**Fang: **Hey there

**Liara: **Hello

_:::_

**Host:** Let's start with introductions. If you would three would be so kind...

**Isabela:** Captain Isabela here, of The Siren's Call II. Also a duelist. I fight hard, play hard and love hard. All in the best possible ways.

**Host:** _[Clears throat and looks over at Liara]_

**Liara:** Dr. Liara T'Soni. Former Crewmember of the Normandy. I now work as an information broker.

**Isabela:** A what?

**Liara:** I buy and sell information.

**Host: **Think Varric, only taller. And more... woman-shaped. And blue. And less with **the chest hair.**

**Isabela: **_[Eyes Liara up and down, grinning]_ None of those differences are bad things...

**Host: **_[Sighs] _Isabela, behave. Fang?

**Fang:** _[Staring at Liara]_ …

**Host: **Faaaaaang? FANG!

**Fang: **Wha-huh? Oh, sorry [motions to Liara] I swear, I've heard your voice before...

**Liara: **I um-

**Host: **_[Scoffs]_

_:::_

**Host: **Okay, okay, okay. Let's begin. First: describe your significant other.

**Isabela: ** Hawke? She has the attention span of a four-year-old. Follows you around like a lost puppy when she wants something. Unreasonably jealous-

**Host:** Yet you're still _[crosses fingers]_.

**Isabela:** Well you didn't let me finish _[clears throat]_. More stamina and intensity than a battle-crazed Arishok.

**Fang:** I have no idea what an Arishok is but this Hawke sounds like quite the warrior.

**Isabela:** _[Laughs]_

**Host: **_[Facepalm]_ Not... quite what she meant, but moving on. Liara?

**Liara: **Commander Shepard? She's honest, brave, compassionate. Everything a savior of the galaxy should be. Though she can—on occasion—act like your...Hawke, was it?

**Isabela:** Childish?

**Liara: **Yes.

**Isabela: **Puppy-dog face?

**Liara:** Yes.

**Isabela: ** Easily-jealous?

**Liara: **Endearingly so.

**Isabela:** Total sex-fiend between the sheets?

**Host:** N-!

**Liara:** Yes.

**Host:** …

**Liara:** As if you haven't watched that one scene about a thousand ti-

**Host: **Fang! Your turn. Go.

**Fang: **Sunshine... Sunshine... Mmmm... Hardass. Too serious. Wound too tight. Backhands like a behemoth king when angry—and she is easily annoyed.

**Host: **Sounds kinda hard to handle.

**Fang: **You kidding? It's **beyond** fun to press her buttons.

**Isabela: **I'll bet-

**Host: **Isabela!

**Isabela: **What? You were thinking it!

_:::_

**Host: **_[Rolls eyes] _Next. Thinking back, would you have seen yourself with your significant other?

**Isabela: **I-

**Host: **Fang, you first.

**Fang:** Well, when we met it was kind of in midst of battle. Heat of the moment kinda thing.

**Isabela:** Wh-

**Host:** _[Points at Isabela]_ You. Quiet time.

**Fang: **I was... drawn to Light, yes. I mean, she's a beautiful woman but I didn't really have the luxury of thinking quite that far ahead. _[Begins muttering]_ Not that Squeenix did much either. I mean, nothing developed canon-wise.

**Host:** _[mutters too]_ I'll say-

**Isabela:** Hey now... fourth wall!

**Host:** Right, right. Liara?

**Liara:** I was a little more concerned with being trapped in a locked, floating bubble behind an unbreakable forcefield when I first met Shepard. Though, it _really _didn't take her very long to gain my uh... curiosity.

**Host:** What are you saying?

**Liara: **Well, she barely talked to anyone else. After every mission she'd be back in the medbay wanting to talk. You'd think she'd have realized the topics only change after a main, storyline mission-

**Host: **_[Clears throat] _Isabela! Please, interrupt.

**Isabela:** Well, let me ask this—in which way do you mean _'seen yourself with'_ because I _see_ myself with _a lot_ of people, in different ways.

**Host: **_[Facepalms] _

**Isabela: **What? It's a valid question!

**Fang: ** Y'know, she has a point.

**Isabela: **Thank you! I love your hair by the way.

**Fang: **Thanks.

**Liara:** Yes, I can't say I've ever seen a human wear their hair quite so... wildly.

**Fang: **It's a gift.

**Isabela: ** It's very sexy-

**Host:** And as much as I'm grateful for the... distraction, we should move on.

_:::_

**Host: **Let's continue. How did you and your significant other meet?

**Isabela:** Well, a mage, a dwarf and an elf walked into a tavern...

**Host:** [Rolls eyes] Haha, very funny.

**Liara: **A human, a Turian and a Quarian walk into a Prothean ruin?

**Host: **_[Shoots a glare at Liara] _Don't encourage her.

**Fang:** I dropped in during the middle of a firefight, on an path of ice, riding motorcycle made of two disturbingly sexy guardian summons.

**Isabela/Liara:** _[Points at Fang]_ She wins.

_:::_

**Host:** Next question then. The thing you like most about your significant other?

**Fang:** The fact that she's so incredibly easy to rile up.

**Host:** You're never scared she'll one day decide she's had enough?

**Fang: **She has that day at least twice a week. They're the best days.

**Host:** You're terrible.

**Fang:** In a good way.

**Liara:** I like the way Shepard would do pretty much anything for me.

**Host: **Like that one time... with the running around, gathering renegade points _[shudders]_.

**Liara: **Yes, she took renegade points for me. It was so sweet of her.

**Host:** _[raises eyebrow at Liara before glancing over at Isabela]_

**Isabela:** If I mention anything dirty, you're going to interrupt me aren't you?

**Host: **Most probably, yes.

**Isabela:** Then I pass.

**Host: **Really? Those are the only things you care about?

**Isabela:** Pretty much. Most of the time, anyway.

**Host: **You're as bad as Fang.

**Isabela: **No, probably worse. In a good way _[grins slyly]_

_:::_

**Host:** _[Shakes head]_ Alright then. The thing that annoys you about them?

**Liara: **She's gone for two years—presumed dead—and gets brought back and waits until she's directed to Illium to come see me? And even then, it's to ask about other potential crew members to recruit?

**Host:** Ow, someone's a little sore.

**Liara: **_[Glares]_

**Host: **Well you didn't exactly go jumping in her arms either. I mean, there was the tiny, itty-bitty peck-

**Liara: **Yes but-

**Host:** And she was on another mission to save the galaxy! She needed those crewmembers!

**Liara: **Save the galaxy _[sighs heavily] _she always has to be saving the galaxy!

**Isabela:** I totally get that! Hawke always has to be saving people and doing the right thing regardless of how much out of her way it is—out of _other_ people's way it is.

**Host: **Hey! I can't help it if I'm a completionist!

**Isabela/Liara:** _[raises eyebrow]_

**Fang:** Should I be glad **_FFXIII_** was as linear as it was?

**Host: **It was pretty much hallway after hallway until Gran Pulse...

**Fang:** Yet you played it for longer periods of time than both **_Mass Effect 2_** and **_Dragon Age II _**and it still took longer for you to finish.

**Host: **…

**Isabela/Liara: **_[raises eyebrow... again]_

_:::_

**Host:** Next question-

**Isabela:** Hang on a minute. You played **_FFXIII_ **for however much longer when it had no customizable character, no chance of dialogue options, barely any open-world areas and worst of all, no steamy sex scenes?

**Host:** Why are you making it sound like I'm some closet pervert? Like that's _all _I buy _any_ rpg for?

**Isabela/Liara/Fang: **_[raises eyebrow]_

**Host:** I DO NOT!

**Liara:** Well, it's not like I ever grew tired of the love-scene in **_Mass Effect_**

**Fang: **_[Laughs] _Speaking of closet perverts...

**Isabela: **_[Grins widely]_ It's always the quiet ones...

**Liara: **Not always quiet.

**Isabela: **I'll bet.

**Host: **Hey! Hey! Isabela, you're getting a little too close-

**Fang: **Doesn't really look like Liara particularly minds...

**Host: **No! You can't! Do you have any idea how much trouble I'd be in if your significant others found out? Fang! Hands! Hands!

**Fang: **Mmmmm, Liara's _'not always quiet'_ voice...

**Host:** Seriously people! This is a T-rated fanfic! And If Hawke, Shepard or Lightning found out I'd end up in excruciating pain until the end of eternity!

**Liara: **Speaking of eternity...

**Host: **Oh dear God in heaven, save me...

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

I fear for my mind and soul... really...

Next: _The Best Friend_


End file.
